February 6, 2007

Spammer Island

Worldwide spam doubled in 2006, and junk mail now accounts for nearly 90% of all emails. It's enough to make a good man cry, particularly if that man works for an ISP. I've been following the latest developments with morbid fascination.

The spammers' most recent breakthrough is image spam, which is far more difficult to detect than text-based spam and also more likely to be read. In addition, these messages are much larger than text-based spam—seven times the size, on average—which is gobbling up resources. Score one for the spammers.

As bleak as this seems, the long-term picture is bleaker still. No one in the anti-spam community talks anymore about victory, or even holding the proverbial line. Although I'm no anti-spam expert, I think I know why this is. It's because the spammers are in a far better strategic position than the anti-spammers.

I think of the spammers as the equivalent of insurgents, while the companies leading the anti-spam battle constitute the empire. It's an offense versus defense thing. The empire builds ever more powerful embattlements, while the insurgents, who are few and mobile, search for new ways through. All they need is one chink, one flaw, and they're in. Strategically, they operate from a superior position. I have trouble seeing them ever defeated.

A Punishment That Fits the Crime

Although I've never one for cruel and unusual punishment, something about this situation has inspired me to new heights of vengeful fantasy. I call it Spammer Island.

Spammer Island is like the island in the movie Papillon, except all the prisoners on this island are convicted spammers. As one might imagine, the form of their imprisonment fits the nature of their crime.

It's simple, really. Each prisoner is fitted with a helmet like the helmets worn by race car drivers. These helmets cannot be removed by the wearer. When the prisoners speak, a computerized gizmo in their helmet translates their words into "spammer talk," which consists entirely of promotions for Viagra, weight loss pills, debt reduction services, and of course bogus anti-spam solutions.

The prisoners are free to wander the island and interact with their fellow spammers. They're also given food and housing and a generous stipend for living expenses. It's a decent life, really, aside from the fact that whenever they speak, or whenever they're spoken to, the output is always spammer talk.

The only people they encounter who don't wear talk this way are the prison guards, who in an extraordinary coincidence are all Nigerian businessmen needing to transfer large sums of money off the island.

Published in Spam, WWW